Felicity: Season Five

I’ve just completed watching all four seasons of Felicity, J. J. Abrams’ turn-of-the-century classic about self-absorbed college twerps in New York. It’s always a sad thing to finish a television program, even one that, like Felicity, struggled to find compelling story arcs toward its end*; it’s like seeing your obnoxious neighbors die before their time. Some show runners have continued their series post-cancellation on other channels or even via other media. The most famous example is the original Star Trek, spun off a decade after its TV run into a lengthy movie franchise. And Joss Whedon has drilled most of his dead horses further into the ground with alternative story-delivery mechanisms like comics—I never cared enough about Buffy to get through a single episode, but I’m sure it’s nice for fans to feel like she’s still out there karate-chopping wiseacre goth demons or whatever happened in that show. I could probably sleep better at night knowing other programs had been granted such an extended lease. (Law and Order: Jerry Orbach Lives.)

Thus, the following is my working script for Felicity, Season Five, Episode One: “Felissing You”

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INT. SEAN’S LOFT, DAY

MEGAN: Oh my god, Sean, every aspect of your personality is driving me crazy!

SEAN: Megan, implicit in our marriage was your agreement to tolerate my borderline-autistic lifestyle. Now try my new invention.

[MEGAN tries the invention. It is wacky and ineffective.]

MEGAN: You’re in your late twenties and have working-class parents.

SEAN: That is true.

MEGAN: Grrrrr, I’m angry and I don’t know why. Probably because I’m a goth and also a Wiccan. Maybe those are the same thing? I guess it’s just an excuse to dress more distinctively than Felicity.

SEAN: I wasn’t listening. I never listen or care about anything you say, but I’m a big fat funny guy, so whatever, right?

INT. DEAN & DELUCA’S, DAY

JAVIER: Benjamin! Benjamin! I need your o-pinion about my new haircut.

BEN: But Javier, you’re bald.

JAVIER: I knowwww, I just wanted you to touch my head with your handsome little hands.

BEN: I’m uncomfortable, but I’ll express it in a way that won’t turn off the majority of our viewership.

JAVIER: Oh that’s o-kay, I think I’ve contributed enough to this scene.

FELICITY: Ben, I thought we were meeting at that thing last night. That important thing that was important to me.

BEN: I had a feeling that thing was important to you, and you are definitely driven and decisive about your future, but I’m handsome and tall. Remember when I assaulted somebody for no reason that one time? Everything I do is okay because I speak softly.

FELICITY: You’re so smart and you can do anything. So can I. We graduated from college even though we mostly went to the bar. Also, my name is the title of the show, so I won’t want for anything.

BEN: Didn’t we have a black friend?

INT. SOME FANCY APARTMENT SOMEWHERE, NIGHT

NOEL: Oh man, we just had sex.

SOME CHICK: Yeah. It was great. You’re so great in bed. What do you do?

NOEL: Computers.

SOME CHICK: That’s so great and sexy. We should get married.

NOEL: You’re an amazing person, and I feel so connected with you, but the truth is that I’m still in love with Felicity.

SOME CHICK: I don’t blame you. She’s so great. You’re great, too. And handsome.

NOEL: You should stay and have sex with me more until I get back with Felicity.

SOME CHICK: Everything would be perfect if that could happen, but I have to go across the country because my whole family just died.

[They hug.]

INT. FELICITY’S HOUSE, NIGHT

NOEL: Felicity, the truth is that I’m not over you. We should get back together.

FELICITY: Noel, I’m with Ben. He’s my boyfriend and I’m going to love him forever. I’m twenty-one.

NOEL: I understand that, and I hate you, but I love you too.

FELICITY: [Laughs mournfully] You’re perfect.

NOEL: What about me do you like the most?

[FELICITY kisses NOEL; they have sex.]

BEN: Did you guys just have sex?

FELICITY: No.

NOEL: Yes.

BEN: I have a mixture of emotions that are causing me to retain my original facial expression.

[JAVIER enters.]

JAVIER: Ohhh Benjamin, you just need to punch or have sex with someone.

[RANDOM BEAUTIFUL OLDER WOMAN enters.]

RBOW: I’m related to one of the characters. I’ve entered all your lives for a few weeks, or semi-permanently depending on viewer reactions.

INT. FELICITY’S ROOM, NIGHT

FELICITY: [Into tape recorder] Sally, do you know how sometimes you want your life to be one way, but then it happens another way? And then you’re not sure you wanted it the first way at all? And then something else happens and you get really sad for a while, but then you feel better? My life is so hard because I can’t decide who to have sex with.

[FELICITY turns off the tape recorder, stares into the distance. ROLL CREDITS.]

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* I’m choosing to ignore the final five episodes, which, due to a last-second network mandate, extended beyond the intended graduation finale into a bizarre, terrible plot involving time travel, death and reincarnation, and meaningless former cast member cameos.